~”I am not ashamed of my struggles, that shit made me” ~
It is 8pm and I’m sat on the edge of my boyfriend’s bed while he’s been napping (or sleeping) for the last few hours. I’ve had a lot of time on my hands to kill, and that got me thinking, and that thinking got me thinking even more and then I decided to write a blog post while I wait for him to wake up. You may ask yourself, “I wonder what she was thinking about”, if people even read this, and if am honest, I got thinking about how much I’ve changed over the years and how this year has been incredibly weird and difficult at times but also so so amazing.
2018, well what can I say, you have been one hell of a roller-coaster ride with ups, downs and twists and turns. Everyday I’ve woken up this year I’ve never known what the day, week or even month will bring. I don’t know whether I will be extremely happy, depressed or a somewhat nice in between, but one thing I do know, is that its been overall so far a better year than most. I started this year off going back to university after having taken a year out due to poor mental health, and honestly that spring semester at university was amazing. Yeah it had its moments but for the majority of the term, it was amazing. I got involved in the most amazing and loving church, as well as getting baptised with them. I made new friends on my course and in halls, but most importantly I passed second year with flying colours. Then came the summer.. well.. this summer has probably been one of the hardest in the long run especially when I had to go into hospital for a little over a week due to having cut tendons in my wrist and needing an operation on it. That was probably the most difficult time all summer because it wasn’t an attempt as such… I just.. I needed to cut, I just remember feeling so low and down, but not suicidal so who knows what was going on through my head at the time… After that stay I was unsure I was going to be allowed to come back to university for my final and third year, but I was and I moved into Cripps Hall, Block S. There for the first week or so I kept myself to myself while everyone in my block went out drinking and clubbing, I went out to visit friends and make new friends in different blocks. But somehow, I made friends with Kira from my block (as well as Sabina but she wasn’t there for freshers) and Charlie, Ellie and Frances from different blocks and soon it became us lot vs. everyone else. To be honest, to begin with I was the happiest I’d ever been at uni, and one night Kira persuaded me to go out clubbing/drinking with her… and so I did, and I loved it. But then… then things went downhill and I ended up in hospital due to suicidal thoughts and an attempt. Those weeks in hospital where probably the worst weeks ever, seeing my friends so worried about me and upset etc made it so much harder to be in hospital but I knew I had to get better for them.. and so… I made the decision that I would get better. Since being out of hospital, things have not always been plain sailing at home and I have harmed once or twice, but nothing bad, just cat scratches, which if you know me is amazing, because usually I end up in hospital.
Anyway this year has been crazy, but with two weeks left until the New Year, I’m determined the make these weeks the best and safest yet. It won’t be easy but I’m prepared for the challenge and I know that with all the support around me I won’t do anything irrational or that I regret.
I say that because for the last 5 years since I was 17/18 I have ended up in hospital on either Christmas Day or New Year’s Eve due to overdosing or self harming, but this year I plan on it being different. I don’t want to spend my time in hospital when I could be spending it with friends, family and my boyfriend.
I don’t regret anything this year, yeah there are somethings that I wish I could change the way they happened or the way they turned out, but that’s life. It is about making choices and learning not to wish you could change them because if there’s anything I’ve learnt this year is that you have to trust that God has a plan for you and knows what he is doing for you, even if you have no idea.
~”You may fall but you can still rise, you may feel weak but you are still alive”~
For 2019, I want not just to “survive”, I want to live and have a life that I love and enjoy, I really do. I just hope and pray that one day I can honestly say to myself “I’m happy” and say that “I’ve done it”. That I’ve beaten the demons inside my soul, the demons who did nothing but make my thoughts and life cold, the ones who made me contemplate my life, my confidence, my existence and my future… and that I will be free from the emotional pain of mental anxiety.